Naturality

It feels like it's consuming
The madness of the world.

How are we able to function like robots,
Because we may never know?

Grass cracks through the pavement
Shouldn't convince us?

Between Fear and Love

"Life is like a ride in an amusement park.
And when you go on it you think its real, because thats how powerful our minds are.
And the ride goes up and down and around and around. It has thrills and chills and is very brightly colored. And its very loud and its fun for a while.
Some have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question is this real or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered and they come back to us and say
"Hey, don't worry don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride."
and we kill those people.
"SHUT HIM UP!
I have a lot invested in this,
shut him up!!
Look at my big bank account and my family. This has to be real."

It's just a ride.

Why do we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that? Did you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok.

But it doesn't matter because it's just a ride. And we can change it entirely, it's all in the choice, no effort, no work, no job, no savings of money.
Just a choice right now between fear and love.

The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off.
The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.

Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year, and instead, spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."
-Bill Hicks

Innocence

After Christmas weekend, I realize that the world is progressing faster and faster.

2010 is almost here.

It seems almost yesterday that I was a child.
The recess bell ringing, premeditating cries of laughter.
Running through the playground,
Chasing my imaginations,
Filled with vibrant colors,
Feeling every raw new emotion,
Expressing it as it was,
Love,
Madness,
Jealousness,
Sadness,
Happiness,
Facination,
Confusion,
Oblivious and enlightened.

Back then, I had no idea my friends and I would eventually tear apart.
I didn't understand what cliches meant.

All I cared about was gliding across the blacktop with people who felt the same, eager to touch one another in a simple game of tag.

The very same kids I played Four Square and Tetherball with, grew with time, as well as I.

We all eventually grew apart and categorized into clicks.
Soon it was a matter of not hanging out with someone because of the way the dressed, thought, felt, and looked.

We all experienced peer pressure in different forms, some giving into drugs, some changing who they were, some winding up pregnant.

The more and more judgmental we all became, subconscious, and drone.

Such an opposition from the moment we met each other and jumped right into a game of Dodgeball with no expectations.

I believed, back then, that that was life, and that there was so much to do.

I believed that it was with these kids, that I would end up growing old with.
Not knowing the stage inbetween would tear us apart.

It was pure magic, the era of pre-adolescence.




I need to find who I lost.
That child within me.
I will not let the 'real' world take it away.
I will let my mind roam like lions and tigers in distant greenlands,
I will let my mind unfold with thoughts of greatness
Believe in fairytales and magic. And love.
She still exists.



“I think I spent 30 years of my life, trying to become something, I wanted to become good at things, I wanted to become good at tennis, I wanted to become good at school and grades and everything I kind of viewed in that perspective.
I'm not okay the way I am, but if I got good at things.
I realized I had the game wrong, because the game was to find out what I already was.”
-Zeitgeist

A Journey

All past posts have been deprieved from what I wrote years ago.


I have started this blog as a self-reflection on the kind of journey I've gone through and continue to undergo.

As a reminder of the intense emotions I've felt at the time.
As a reminder of how human we all are.

I will continue to keep up with my blog and hopefully it will help me on my way to finding out who I really am.

To try and not get lost in the midst of it all.

Untangible

I always love
Who I shouldn't
I always pray
For what couldn't
And long for what
You would never

Identity Crisis

Nothing feels familar.

I can't help but ask the question,

"Is this all there is?"

To ignore this issue is to be sane.

Yet I refuse to.

I don't feel comfortable in my own flesh.

I don't understand much of why the world is how it is

I don't want to feel emotions that I don't need to

It only adds to my insecurities and by tomorrow

I won't feel any of this.

The Knot.

I'm not empty

But my insides are corroding

I feel the knot in my throat

But I can't swallow it

I'm not empty

But full of nothingness

I can't feel anymore

But I can feel the knot in my throat

And I can't swallow it

I can't remember how it was

I'm not empty

I'm just hurt

I don't know where to start

I just know that I don't know

I'm not empty

Because I can feel where it hurts

The time we were

Is nothing than consequential

The knot in my throat is growing

I don't know what it is

How it is

When would it come to this

Why?

I finally swallow it